RienaAnathema
by Aijja
Summary: After the nationals, the failure is too much to bear for some. Angst


Title: Riena /Anathema Author: Aijja (aijjuli in Rating:Pg Genre: Angst, Warnings: little slashy, blood, angst A/N: A songfic to Varttinas Riena. Translated text from I wanted to write angst with shinji in it. Can't explain otherwise. Read and replay please. Disclaimer: Don't own anything but the story. ------------------------------------ -------------------------- 

_I throw off sparks,  
I tear from my tongue words as twisted as tree-roots._

He watched spiders knit their webs. He watched as daylight, moonlight, heavy rain and sunny days were knitted through. He could not destroy their beautiful work of art.

And then the day had come and gone. He was a failure. Nothing more than a whimpering piece of flesh.

One leg, two legs… All eight of them were gently torn from its tiny body and he watched them die… them to die…

Why should they enjoy the life if he could not? If he had lost everything why should he let others enjoy life? If he was now a total failure why couldn't he destroy those he could? They hadn't cared, had they now?

He looked at the squashed remains of the spiders.

"Why are they dead? No one should die. It's not fair to them, isn't it? Of course it is. I'm right. I'm always right. Words have not betrayed me. But what happens when they do?"

This thought disturbed him as he went to his cupboard.

"Am I left with nothingness? Music has died long, long ago. It chose to go with rhythm. I was thrown off, which in itself isn't that much of a surprise. I'm always pushed or thrown aside."

With a heavy sigh he searched through his things until he found what he was searching for. It was the shoe box. Black and white. Just like the spiders.

"I remember these shoes. I wore them when I played the first time."

He stopped to look in to the mirror. He stopped. Why hadn't he changed? When all his world had collapsed why hadn't he?

_I poke the fire of hatred with my words,  
I hurl hate back at you._

He rang the door bell. The house looked eerie. Of course it would be. Shinji hadn't been out in a week and his parents were always doing something ´important. Kippei thought that they were drinking all days through but at least they had the shame to do it somewhere else. Shinji didn't need anymore problems nor did his little sisters.

He had heard nasty rumors that said the little girls had been taken into custody. But he wouldn't be sure. There were always those kinds of rumors going about and Shinji hadn't said anything.

True, it wasn't unusual. Taking into account of how much Shinji spoke he never actually said anything.

The black-haired teen rang the doorbell again and waited.

Then he knocked and waited.

Finally he opened the door and walked in.

Kicking away his shoes he made his way to upstairs, to Shinji's room. And there he stood black shoe box in his hands, looking at the mirror. Or through the mirror, one couldn't be sure.

"Shinji?"

_My mood blackens,  
blacker than the mind of any mortal._

"Someone utters my name. Why does it sound so alien? It shouldn't when I have heard people calling me that for sixteen years. It is strange. How I know it's my name? What if it isn't? If this is all just an illusion, my nightmare, how can I know what is real? But then Kippei wouldn't be standing there looking at me so… With what? Have I lost my ability to recognize emotions? It wouldn't be so surprising, right? I do not show any emotions so how could I say what others feel? Don't look at me like that!"

Shinji collapsed to the floor, panting. Kippei sighed heavily and sat down next to the other. He watched sorrowful as blood began to trip from his mouth. He slapped the long-haired boy a little.

"Shinji! Is there anything you would want me to do?"

Said one looked at him and offered the box. Inside it were black, ripped bodies of three spiders.

"Bury them?"

_My loathing drips blood,  
my pain slashes, curses, drenches with pus._

Shinji wanted to be hold after that. So Kippei took him home with him. They lay down on Kippeis bed and under the blankets. Shinji curled into a small ball and Kippei arranged himself around the thin boy.

Too thin, he noted worriedly. They did not speak. Sometimes it was better. Even for Shinji.

_The snakes also curse you, serpents of death –  
oh, that hissing will enter your head…_

"Stop it, Stop it, Stop it!" he ranted as he ran. He did not notice the people whispering around him. He did not notice when the music rang around his ears, telling him to stop the mumbling. The not-so-silent mantra.

He did not notice when the rhythm to his music ran away.

He did not feel the slaps that hit his cheeks.

He wanted them to just stop! Not notice him! To leave him alone! Not to talk about his shame!

What had he done to deserve this? He had come to school after a week, when he finally felt better. He had done as Kippei told him he had been a good boy. And still they didn't stop!

_The snakes also curse you, serpents of death –  
even the snakes…_

Kippei had been in math class when his little sister had come in out of breath.

"It's Shinji…"

It was all that was needed. Not caring for anything else he ran stairs down and to left, where he was supposed to be.

He found Shinji. He was curled into a ball, screaming to leave him alone. Kippei pushed teachers and other students aside. Shinji needed him!

"Shh…" Kippei whispered as he knelt in front of his… what? What was Shinji to him? He did not know but it didn't matter right now. Deep thoughts ought to be pushed for later.

He tried his everything but the purple haired distraught teen didn't even notice him.

Until he grapped Shinji and pulled him into embrace so tight that he couldn't move, his shouts muffled against uniform clad shoulder.

And finally the boy calmed down.

_I throw off sparks,  
I tear from my tongue words as twisted as tree-roots._

"He needs to get into hospital. He is dangerous to all those around him. He doesn't understand violence; to him it's just the way of the world. If not helped he will come to the point where he kills someone by accident, to protect himself."

Kippei listened and boiled. How could they not understand? Shinji wasn't dangerous. He was just… He shook his head and looked at his parents. Shinji's hadn't even bothered to appear.

"He just needs help. I can help him. And he needs to change environment. He can't continue going to Fudoumine anymore. And he should not return to his parents." Kippei said. What did the doctor talk about? Shinji wasn't like that!

Kippei looked at his parents. They looked at each other and then to their son. Then, his father spoke:

"I got a job offer from Okinawa. We could move there and if Shinjis parents agreed he would be welcome to join us."

Kippei looked at the doctor who shrugged.

_You crushed me underfoot, you evil betrayer.  
You punish me with rage, you poisoned my mind._

Shinji watched with empty eyes as the scenery changed. He hadn't said a word since his mental break down at school weeks ago. Kippei had held him every moment he could after it and always touched him. Now they held hands as the car drove south. Maybe the sun would wake Shinji as it woke everything else. That was their hope.

The worse of it was, Ann thought, that no one knew why Shinji had lost his touch with reality. But maybe the boy had chance, she thought as she watched her friend and her brother holding hands. Maybe he had only needed a solid hand to pull him away from whatever darkness he had been in.

She had cried though. She had been forced to leave her boyfriend behind. Well, she would see him again. Nothing would keep young love apart.

_So I heap blame on you, spit words from my mouth.  
So I accuse you - pathetic worm that you are._

Shinji looked at the bloody girl at his feet. This one was too big. It was impossible to rip its legs. And where had four of its eight legs disappeared anyway? He didn't understand.

He heard a distant scream and turned around. There was a black haired teen gaping at him. Should he know it? No, he decided and tightened his grip on his knife. It shouldn't yell at him. No, it shouldn't.

He threw the knife forwards. Shut up, shut up, shut up…

And then he watched them die… them to die…


End file.
